I was a Soldier

For Sergej ... and Till, and the whole of Gießen

I was a soldier
long time ago.
I was the hand
wielding my lord's sword.
I was a soldier
and I'm one still,
in foreign lands,
uprooted and dishonoured.

All I possessed
destroyed by my own hands.
Only my wrath
brought me to this point.
Thereupon they assessed
my crimes and shame,
took my lord from me
as well as my oath.

Ever since I've trod a thousand roads
and I've served a thousand lords.
I've deceived myself a thousandfold
and atoned a thousandfold.

Ever since I'm dangling from a thousand strings
each one of which is in a different person's fists
I let them tug at me and lead me
unconditionally and blindly.

And I'm bleeding from a thousand wounds
coming from my breaking a thousand chains
in the hope to be healed by my freedom,
but freedom is not enough. . .

I was a soldier
for a long time.
I was the hand
that kills without thinking.
I am a soldier -
I am serving my pain,
these iron bonds
which will govern me for all time.

I am a soldier
and will be one forever.
True freedom
is not mine to experience.
I am fighting hard
and am the only one to know about
these old chains
which will lead me to the gallows square.

These old chains
which will lead me to the gallows square.

Crystal 2000